In 1955, a song called “The Great Pretender” was released. It was written by Buck Ram and recorded by the Platters. It portrayed the many ways we pretend. We pretend to have it all together when we don’t, even when we’re doing well. The song’s lyrics resonated with me when I first heard it because they accurately described my life. I learned at a very young age how to pretend. I pretended to be happy when I wasn’t. I knew how to play the game of life to get by. I knew how to present myself to be accepted. I knew how to hide my true self. 

I suppose there is a little pretender in all of us. We learn to pretend at different times, and it’s not always bad. But sometimes pretending is more about everyday life and existence. When that’s the case, serious problems are going on. If you think about it, pretending is always about presenting a falsehood. I have often thought that the world was my stage and I was but an actor playing a part. It took a long time for me to allow my true self to be seen. Pretending is also about control. You decide who gets in and who doesn’t. I remember thinking that if I let go, I’d be like Humpty Dumpty, falling off the wall of control and never being put back together again. It’s a sad way to live, but many do it.

For the pretender, loneliness and fear are common themes. It goes along with the thought that if I tell you who I truly am and you don’t like me, I’m left with nothing, and I can’t risk that. So pretending that all is well and that I’m on top of my game becomes the standard rule of life. But here’s the catch for every pretender. Maintaining the pretending game takes a lot of energy. At some point, you will crash because you can’t do it forever. For me, that point came when I finally surrendered to God. When I started to understand that God loved me just the way I was, I began to have some freedom to be myself. I no longer felt that I had to hide. His love began to erode my fears and insecurities. I started to learn how to trust others with who I was. I learned to take risks and allow myself to be vulnerable. I am not in a place where I must pretend. I’m okay being me. Think about it.