Learning To Say No and Set Boundaries

by

Pastor B.J. Knefley

One of the healthiest things we can do is to set boundaries and limits with others, but it is also the most difficult at least when it comes to family.

When I got married many, many years ago, setting boundaries and limits was not difficult. Oh sure we had the extended family stuff but that was a small group of people. As the years have slipped by our family has grown. At last count, with all of the children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren including the spouses we’re around the 40 mark. That’s a lot of offspring for a couple of crazy in love teenagers. As the patriarch and matriarch of this tribe of hooligans, when one hurts, we hurt. When one gets into trouble, we feel it. Knowing when to step in and when to let things go their course is not easy. We want to fix the hurt and bandage the problem. But sometimes that’s the worst thing we can do. So, learning to set boundaries and limits is an everyday struggle. Knowing when to help and when to let go isn’t easy.

Setting boundaries and limits is never easy. Neither is saying no. I, like many, want people to feel good. I want peace in my own life. To do so, we sometimes compromise. In our attempt to ease the fall we neglect to hold others responsible. We may even be accused of being unloving when we do set limits, boundaries or tell others no especially when it comes to family members.

I’ve often wondered if this is what is wrong with our society. We coddle our offspring and don’t make them responsible. We blame others for their misfortune without recognizing our part in their demise. How have we come to this? It certainly was planned or was our intension, but it’s happened nevertheless. Perhaps the real issue relates to the lack of consequences. Setting limits and boundaries is a consequence. So is saying no. All are healthy responses to unhealthy choices. Easy to do? Probably not, but very necessary if one is going to grow, change and become a responsible member of society. It comes back to my choices. Think about it.